We are men and women of all walks of life. At one time in our life we may have been curious about using heroin. For some of us, we instantly fell in love with this drug and for others its attraction was gradual. Whatever the case may be, we began to think more and more about how we could get more. Sometimes we convinced ourselves that certain bills didn’t need to be paid. We began to plot ways to steal money and other items so we could use again.
At some point it was no longer recreational but rather an absolute necessity. “I only use on weekends” or “I can stop anytime I want to” or “I just need to try harder to not use” or “At least I don’t slam it, I only snort or smoke it” or “With this baby inside of me I promised I would stop but found I couldn’t.” At times we mixed heroin with alcohol or other drugs and found that the relief was minimal. We became determined to get the same high we did in the beginning. Seeing someone die from an overdose wasn’t enough to stop us. Some of us took pride in being able to control certain areas of our lives and were completely confused as to why we could not control our heroin usage.
After getting clean for various periods of time, we convinced ourselves we could use again without losing control, but we found ourselves ending up where we were before and often worse. Regardless of how many times we failed at trying to stop, we continued to try to control that which was out of our control. Nothing mattered more to us than getting that next paper, that next line, that next gram. No matter how much we suffered or how lost we felt, we continued to use. We no longer cared what it took to cop one more time.
We began doing things we thought we would never do and were left feeling ashamed of ourselves. Sometimes the dope man would be late and we would panic. When we got sick, we would do anything to get straight. In spite of the broken hearts, going to jail, losing our job, failed relationships, loved ones threatening to leave, or surviving an overdose, we kept on using. We went to great lengths trying to hide our usage from others. Being completely consumed with using we felt hopeless, we lost our dignity and our dreams.
We were disgusted with ourselves, and we felt alone. Sometimes we wished to die so we could stop suffering. At some point we had a moment of clarity. We realized we were no longer controlling our usage, but rather it was controlling us. We thought it would be impossible to live life without heroin, and life would be boring. We could not see the light at the end of the tunnel because we could not even see the tunnel. We were completely hopeless. We discovered that we were unable to stop using on our own. If our ideas on how to stop using had worked, we would have stopped a long time ago. We had to admit to ourselves that we were heroin addicts and that we needed help. Like so many who have had these experiences, we have found hope and a better way of life. We no longer have to suffer from this horrible addiction. We no longer worry about the policeman we see in our rear view mirror. We are no longer afraid to answer the door, nor are we afraid to go somewhere for fear of who we may see. We have found freedom. We are heroin addicts who simply wish to share with you our experience on how we have recovered. There is no more need for criminal activity. No longer do we have to experience the self-loathing, the loneliness, the shame, or the despair anymore. Our suffering has come to an end because we are now free men and women.